Please let her wake up!

http://www.Homesbythecase.blogspot.com For anyone "just tuning in" this post may leave you wondering what the heck I am rambling about, I hope you take the time to go back and review my earlier posts so you can catch up with our story. For anyone who has been along for the whole wild ride - Thank you!

Please Let Her Wake Up!

We checked mom in for surgery at 5:00AM on February 21, 2013.  We all took turns rotating in and out of the pre-op area while they were preparing mom for surgery.  I had been concerned that not everyone would get a chance to see her before surgery.  Turned out there was plenty of time for all of us to spend a fair amount of time with her.

It took them a good deal of time just to get the IV started.  That was to be expected, moms veins were always difficult.  They rolled, they blew, and they just didn’t cooperate well.  Mom told them to “stick it fast and don’t let them see you coming”.  With the IV finally in place, we just had to wait for mom to finish her lidocaine sucker before they would take her to the operating room

The range of motion in mom’s neck is very poor.  She needed to be sitting up and awake for intubation.  This had been ignored years ago by a very arrogant surgeon, which resulted in her front teeth being broken.  I think that thought scared mom more than the surgery itself.  With moms throat finally numb enough for intubation, they wheeled her to the operating room.

With a promise from the nurse to keep us updated and a number of family members in the waiting room just in case, I went back to the hotel to try to sleep.  I remember thinking how nice it was to have mom in the care of quality healthcare providers, especially providers that were so compassionate.  They really did take a "team approach" and encouraged the family to be part of that team!

I guess I better not count my chickens before they're hatched, they've only said they would call with updates.  Mom's doctors at home had said they would do a lot of things, they hadn't.  My next thought was maddening.  If moms primary care doctor or her RA doctor at home had taken the same approach and had 1/10th of the compassion we saw here, we would likely NOT be here.

It was just over an hour when I got my first update.  They had been successful with the intubation and would begin surgery very shortly.  Briefly I considered just going to sleep.  Was it really necessary to pass that kind of update on to the rest of the family?

Of course, it was necessary.  I had tried to make sure, for nearly a year and a half, that everybody got the same information I did as soon as possible.  I knew they were just as concerned as I was and would likely be upset if I didn't pass on any information I had.

Since placing individual calls to each family member could take a long time, I decided early on that “group” messaging was the only way to keep everybody apprised of what was going on.  Sometimes it worked like a charm and sometimes it didn’t.  After sending the text, I again tried to sleep.

I think I may have finally dozed, but not for very long.  My mind was taking me places I definitely did NOT want to go.

What if mom didn’t make it through this?  What if she makes it through the surgery, but the pain is worse?  What if she makes it through the surgery, but is paralyzed?  What if she makes it through the surgery, but the pain is worse AND she ends up paralyzed?  If I didn’t shift my mind to something more pleasant I would never get to sleep.

I finally drifted off thinking of things that made my heart sing: my younger daughter was engaged to a wonderful man and would be a beautiful bride in less than 2 months; In just under four months my older daughter was due to deliver my first granddaughter; my grandson (whom I adore) would turn two on April 15^th.  I truly did have a lot to be thankful for.

 

I woke with a start to the phone ringing with my next update about mom, five hours into what was to be an eight hour surgery and mom was “doing well”, however they had run in to some complications.  I forwarded the information via text to the family and tried to go back to sleep.

All at once, those same happy thoughts that had helped me relax enough to sleep made me very sad.

What if mom wasn’t around to celebrate those joyous occasions?

I couldn’t imagine my mother not filling the seat of “Grandmother of the Bride”.

I hated the thought that mom might never meet her next great-granddaughter.

OK, at least for now, thinking about my grandson’s birthday still made me smile……for a while.  The realization that I would likely NOT be able to be there for his birthday would sink in later.

I must have dozed off again.

This time the dreams were NOT pleasant.

How had our lives turned in to such a nightmare?

Will we ever wake up?

Will mom ever wake up?

Please let her wake up!